I think I made up a word. I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm in a different mood for me. Pensive and kind of unsettled I guess. Not that that's a really weird thing for me to be pensive or anything, but I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling.

Side note . . . I finished The Da Vinci Code around 4:00 today so I can cross another one off the list.

Yeah. I just don't know what it is, to be honest. It seems everything these days ties back to guys. (You're all stupid!!! Lol!) But I can't even say that's the whole problem. Ok. I'll stop rambling. Basically, it's hard for me because when I'm at home, I don't ever go out and hang out with anybody because the only friends I have left here are at church or work. And at church, the only guy that really talks to me is Brett who's 3 years younger than me! Plus, there are what . . . 2 college age guys there?! It's just hard. And at work . . . no one again. I love working with Becky, Rachel, Teeny & everybody, of course, but that's work.

Sometimes I feel like I'm unfriendly, but I'm not. I'm a nice girl. Will any guys ever figure that out?! Lol. I am cracking myself up, now. And honestly, I'm so content and happy to not have the complications of a relationship right now. It would be awful to have a boyfriend I wouldn't be seeing for the whole summer. And it would be hard to have one while I'm at school cuz I'm a busy person. I mean, obviously, timing is all God's and it's not that I want a boyfriend right now because this summer is not mine. I've already made that decision and put all that in His hands. This summer is for my girls, not me. It won't be like last summer, that's for sure!

And I wouldn't want to be dating someone just to be dating someone because that's never been me. Seriously. As soon as I figure out someone isn't the one, it's all over in my mind. I think I just miss having guy friends around. Guys are so much easier to get along with than girls! We are so stinking awful in friendships!!!!! Touchy, proud, selfish, jealous. Yeah. All the things I look for in a friend, right? Lol.

I think there are just days when you feel lonely and this is kinda one of those days. It's like I don't fit in here anymore. At church, I don't fit into the College & Career class . . . I mean, I guess I do, but none of them are really friends of mine. I don't fit into the youth group anymore because now the seniors are 3 years younger than me and they all have their own girlfriends/boyfriends to be enthralled with. I don't quite fit in at work just because of different standards and the fact that I'm never there.I feel like, Ok, Chattanooga. It's over with you. I'm done. I love my parents, but I hate being home.

I'm restless.

This, I know, is one of the reasons I am so excited about going back to Ironwood in only 2 days and 4 hours. Because out there, I'm doing something. I'm impacting people and people are impacting me. Building relationships. And in the middle of the desert! Crazy fun. Bring it on!


2 thoughts on “Ventations

  1. I feel for you – everyone has those kind of days. Don’t miss the opportunity to spend some quality time with yourself – you sound like a very nice person to hang out with.

  2. mr bob says:

    goodness, we’re well under 100 hours now.

    and as wonderful as ironwood is, it’s not real life. i think that’s part of why it’s so great. it’s almost like a sterile little idealistic society we create there. i love that it doesn’t end there though. there are parts of ironwood that i take with me everywhere. that place changes people. it’s amazing.

    glad to hear you’ve finished da vinci code. glad to hear you’ve already resolved to live for your girls this summer. my boys are definitely priority number one. i’ll be running around all summer and poor ms. katie will get so very little of my time and attention. relationships can be a wonderful thing, but they can also be a huge distraction during the summer.

    see you soon ms. audrey. see you soon

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