Wow. Another day. I’ve been so rebuked lately about my attitude. I’m such an attention hog and so proud. I’ve been reading Humility by Andrew Murray and it’s so powerful already. Even in the preface, I was wowed.”Nothing is more natural and beautiful and blessed than to be be nothing, so that God may be all” (p. 6).
It really hit home in chapter 2 when Murray says, “Think about how all the lack of love, the indifference to the needs, feelings, and weaknesses of others, the sharp and hasty judgments and utterances so often excused by our cries of being upright and honest, the manifestations of temper and irritation, the bitterness and estrangement, have their root in pride. Pride seeks only itself.” Yeah. That’s me…especially the temper and irritation part. I so easily get irritated when I’m not the center of attention. Well, actually, it’s not that I was to be the center of attention…I just don’t want it to be another girl. I’m so weird. I want to be the special one and it’s always driven me crazy when that’s not the case. I need to get over myself. Seriously. Be humble. Love others. Stop getting in the way.
I told a friend this summer that I just want to get married. Maybe I should just want to serve God. I’m so focused on myself and my “needs.” Maybe if I started loving others, I wouldn’t be so concerned about the fact that I don’t have any prospects in the dating department. If I was truly seeking to live as God wants me to live, I don’t think I would really have time to worry about all that other stuff. But as it is, it’s been consuming a lot of my time. And thinking about it really doesn’t help. I’m not living how I should be. I want to stop living for myself.