disowned

Blah. Another blog about this . . .

I don’t know how often I end up blogging about this. It seems like a lot to me, but I’m sure it seems like even more to you readers. All 10 of you. [That might be stretching the numbers a little . . . ] This is where I’m at right now, though. And I’m learning.

I have this joke with several of my friends that if they’re looking for “the one,” all they need to do is make me fall in love with them. “The one” will then come strolling down their path. And then I’ll be left behind with not exactly a broken heart . . . and I’ll be ok within a week. Or two. A month at most? It’s happened more than I care to think about. Maybe not all of those people have decided that it’s “the one” yet, but most are at least well on their way to discovering that. And I really am ok. I haven’t exactly fallen in love with all of those people. But it’s true that every time I become a little interested in someone, they seem to find someone else within a few weeks. I guess it saves me some heartache. So at this point, I’ve realized that the combination of person and timing hasn’t worked yet. Which is fine. Because we’re not working off of my timetable here.

Every time I’ve become even slightly interested in someone within the last few years, I immediately begin to consult God about it. I don’t really feel like wasting my time if it’s not right, and I try to keep my heart out of things. But that’s easier said than done. Generally, things are pretty clear in a matter of weeks – like I said earlier, they always find someone else. In my last post, I talked about how at one point I told my mom that it wasn’t supposed to end with me still being hurt, but that’s exactly what’s happened. And I think when we’re dealing with emotions and feelings, things are generally going to sting when they don’t work out like I hoped for. So what . . . does that mean I stop hoping?

I don’t think that’s the answer.

Anyways, as I was sitting in church on Sunday, a thought nearly crushed my mind. I was thinking about the dumb struggles I’ve had in trying to determine if a guy is the right one and all that. I don’t want to come across as being pious, so don’t take it that way . . . I think it’s just the best way to describe it . . . I feel like it’s a battle between flesh and spirit. Am I interested in someone for the right reasons? When I start to like someone now, it’s like a little bit of dread comes along with it. Probably because I always think it’s not the right person while secretly hoping that this guy will be the one. And honestly, in the past couple years, all the guys I’ve been interested in are great. They’re making good decisions and are on track with God. They just haven’t been right for me. And that’s good to know, because I would pretty much hate to marry the wrong person. I don’t even like dating the wrong person. Go figure.

I thought about how I’ve always told God that I want Him to control the situation. And then, I realized that God’s not wanting control of the situation. Telling Him I’m willing for Him to control it doesn’t really change anything. I mean, He pretty much controls it anyways. So yeah, God doesn’t need me to give Him permission to control the situation. He wants my heart. Ok. Yeah. That’s about where I was feeling a little stupid. Really . . . why did it take me so long to figure that one out?

Psalm 4 talks about guarding your heart because from it flow the springs of life. I’ve continued to pray that I would guard my heart. I’m convinced now that I’m not capable of guarding it myself. I would much rather have God guarding it. So now my prayer is that He will take my heart and do with it as He pleases. If there are trials I’m supposed to go through, bring it on. If I need to experience heartbreak . . . I’m ok with that . . . knowing that God “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Now that I see it, it makes so much sense. Peter told us to cast all our cares on Christ because He cares.

So the choice now is to daily give God my heart. He has my life . . . I want Him to take my heart and my mind with it. And I’m willing to go through whatever He has for me. I don’t know that I’m saying anything new. I think it just finally clicked with me. I got it.

This summer, I was taught some powerful things. In a discussion about Job, it was pointed out that the story of Job isn’t about Job. It’s about God. Everything that happened to Job was about bringing God glory. What a change of perspective. My life isn’t about me. It’s about bringing God glory. So if God receives the most glory from my brokenness, I’m ok with that. He’s called me to follow Him.

If I can bring God more glory by remaining single, I will be completely satisfied in Christ. If I can bring God more glory by being married, I will be completely satisfied in Christ.

Either way, God has given me more than enough to be content.

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